Recently, when I was in MPH, I browsed through Traci Lord's autobiography. The actress who first got famous as a porn star.
At about the same time, I watched the movie Monster - starring charlize theron - about the 1st convicted woman serial killer, Aileen (something)
What strike me was that both Traci and Chalize was gorgeous... no, that's not my point :)
That both had very bad start in their growing up years.
Aileen was raped at 8, when she told her dad that she was raped by her dad's best friend she was beated. She then grew up deprieved of love and always seeking it - in the wrong places and from the wrong ppl. She ran away from home and started as a prostitute at 15. Monster was a movie about Aileen crossing the line of 'evil'. At the end, she was sentenced to death for killing 7 men.
Traci, was raped by 9 (i think, i can't quite remember but thereabouts) had an abortion at 12, and was introduced to the porn world by her mom's boyfriend at 15. She had an abusive dad. At 18, she was caught by the FBI for holding a fake ID and doing porn underage coz she started at 15. She also then met a lawyer who changed her life. Her mom and family accepted her back. Quit drugs. Changed her life. Now she stars as an actress doing some tv shows and is married.
It is real inspiration to be able to read how Traci rise up above her situation and sad and very disturbing to see Charlize play Aileen. (she deserved the oscar!). Even scarier when I thought about how our lives can take different paths with similiar beginnings. What was the difference? I think many ppl will take many different views on it.
As for me, I think we all have a Monster in us. Love makes all the difference. Afterall, it's Love that makes the world goes round.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
being a man pt 2 - identity
Ever since Pastor Edmund Chan came to our church for the one day speaking on discipleship and utterred these words: identity is a relational word. It has been stuck to my mind.
The concept really is changing my life's perspective.
Identity used to be a 'static' word to me. I am my father's son. My dad's and mom's name is so and so. I'm working as a blah blah blah. I am a Christian. I am a child of the living God....etc Perhaps these should be classified in my mental map better as identification.
However, when I think of identity as a relational word, it is now a dynamic word. I'm not just my father's son. My relationship with him gives my being, identity. It is also the same with God, my mom, friends...etc etc. The relationship not only identify me it shapes me and gives me meaning.
(Perhaps, it's like watching CSI on tv. First the crime scene is documented, and the suspect. Facts and figures can only give that much info. It's through the relationship of the victim and the murderer that gives the whole episode the motive, the fear, the emotions the meaning. )
The 2 questions that we always ask ourselvs: who am I and what am I doing here? (did you know that you're incredible and unique just because you can ask yourself that question!)
(Paster Edmund said it this way) Who am I and what am I doing here? Perhaps I have to look at who I serve and who is my master.
Among the many wisdom I took home that day with Pastor Edmund, this gem would be my most prized find.
****************
I started to ask a series a questions about myself and the relationships that I am in. Especially my relationship with my dad. It's getting late, so I guess, I'll leave this to pt 3.
****************
The concept really is changing my life's perspective.
Identity used to be a 'static' word to me. I am my father's son. My dad's and mom's name is so and so. I'm working as a blah blah blah. I am a Christian. I am a child of the living God....etc Perhaps these should be classified in my mental map better as identification.
However, when I think of identity as a relational word, it is now a dynamic word. I'm not just my father's son. My relationship with him gives my being, identity. It is also the same with God, my mom, friends...etc etc. The relationship not only identify me it shapes me and gives me meaning.
(Perhaps, it's like watching CSI on tv. First the crime scene is documented, and the suspect. Facts and figures can only give that much info. It's through the relationship of the victim and the murderer that gives the whole episode the motive, the fear, the emotions the meaning. )
The 2 questions that we always ask ourselvs: who am I and what am I doing here? (did you know that you're incredible and unique just because you can ask yourself that question!)
(Paster Edmund said it this way) Who am I and what am I doing here? Perhaps I have to look at who I serve and who is my master.
Among the many wisdom I took home that day with Pastor Edmund, this gem would be my most prized find.
****************
I started to ask a series a questions about myself and the relationships that I am in. Especially my relationship with my dad. It's getting late, so I guess, I'll leave this to pt 3.
****************
Musing on Saying Grace
At t=0, I picked up my fork and spoon. Opened my mouth to say grace...
I suddenly was filled with question WHY?
Why am I saying grace before each meal? Is it a churchy tradition that's been followed worldwide? Where in the bible did it mention about saying grace before meals? I did remember Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread but it was never mentioned as a 'command'. I wonder then if it is a theological issue? If it is not, then we certainly shouldn't give such a big fuss about it. If it is then we should keep it.
I wondered also, if I am making it a rule that ppl should follow? Am I saying my grace because it also appears more religious and therefore I'm holier than those believers who don't say it? I wondered also, how many of us think about why we are saying grace while we are saying it.
about 0.5 seconds later, my fork touched down on the delicious fish. I said my grace... the rest is fishstory :)
I often thank the lord for the food before i eat them. whether its for a snack, a instant noodle meal or a 9 course dinner. I said often because sometimes I do forget. Though it still eludes me why i should forget to say grace, i still do because by now it should be a habit.
Most of the time - most of the time - saying grace to me is not mechanical. Though I say it in one sentence and in a single breath just before i devour on my first bite (and sometimes after I pick up my cutlery), saying grace is most of the time not mechanical to me.
I feel so bless really to be able to eat. There are just so many tastes, textures, colours, it's amazing just what humanity has come out with to temp our taste buds. Can you tell I love food now? hahahaha Also because these recent years has been so difficult, there were times, I'm amazed that I still have food to eat. I'm just simply amazed, because I am able to, and I have food, simply to fill my tummy. He truly is our provider.
Most of the time, when I say grace, I pray about something. It's great to do that because then I know I will at the very least pray twice during lunch and dinner, for I often skip breakfast. Maybe just once, for dinner if that happens to be my only meal. Somehow, I also know that the lord hears my short prayer and will answer it.
I suddenly was filled with question WHY?
Why am I saying grace before each meal? Is it a churchy tradition that's been followed worldwide? Where in the bible did it mention about saying grace before meals? I did remember Jesus giving thanks before he broke the bread but it was never mentioned as a 'command'. I wonder then if it is a theological issue? If it is not, then we certainly shouldn't give such a big fuss about it. If it is then we should keep it.
I wondered also, if I am making it a rule that ppl should follow? Am I saying my grace because it also appears more religious and therefore I'm holier than those believers who don't say it? I wondered also, how many of us think about why we are saying grace while we are saying it.
about 0.5 seconds later, my fork touched down on the delicious fish. I said my grace... the rest is fishstory :)
I often thank the lord for the food before i eat them. whether its for a snack, a instant noodle meal or a 9 course dinner. I said often because sometimes I do forget. Though it still eludes me why i should forget to say grace, i still do because by now it should be a habit.
Most of the time - most of the time - saying grace to me is not mechanical. Though I say it in one sentence and in a single breath just before i devour on my first bite (and sometimes after I pick up my cutlery), saying grace is most of the time not mechanical to me.
I feel so bless really to be able to eat. There are just so many tastes, textures, colours, it's amazing just what humanity has come out with to temp our taste buds. Can you tell I love food now? hahahaha Also because these recent years has been so difficult, there were times, I'm amazed that I still have food to eat. I'm just simply amazed, because I am able to, and I have food, simply to fill my tummy. He truly is our provider.
Most of the time, when I say grace, I pray about something. It's great to do that because then I know I will at the very least pray twice during lunch and dinner, for I often skip breakfast. Maybe just once, for dinner if that happens to be my only meal. Somehow, I also know that the lord hears my short prayer and will answer it.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Funeral
My granddad's funeral was held in Nirvana Memorial Park. The company is worth writting a book on. In a nutshell, a listed company specialising in the 'Funeral' Industry.
To begin with, Nirvana Memorial Park building is a large building - or a large funeral parlour - with plush interior. Almost everyone, if not all, who walked into the reception thought that they have initially go into the wrong place. The notion that a funeral parlour was like a hotel is still quite puzzling to me. They have many rooms in it, like a five star hotel, to conduct many funeral services. Think of it as a FIVE STAR HOTEL for the dead. And yes, they cater to buddhist, taoist, christian...etc. Yeah, you got the picture. Personally, (at least on surface), Nirvana may be a good company to invest in. I don' t think their business model will ever change or need a change for that matter. The system is set.
My granddad's funeral was conducted in a typical buddhist manner. Monks were doing the ritual everynight until the morning that he is buried. All the sons, daughters, grandson, granddaughters and all their spouses are required to join in.
Spiritually, they were doing something. Obviously with joss-sticks, chants, kneeling and bowing, some spiritual exchange was taking place. Although some may disagree with me, I stick to my case. If not, then why do we need the monks chanting, why the joss-stick...etc Out of respect for my granddad and also to my father and all the rest of my family, I joined in the ritual at first. It was not easy and I felt uncomfortable, because I only want to worship Christ - spiritually. After the first 'session; I stopped joining the ritual. This caused a lot of hushed murmur amongst the family. Later in that night, I also had a big arguement with my brother, whom I have not fought with since our childhood days over toys. The arguement probably lasted 2 days.
(The peace of God has never left me, even when im doing the rituals because I focused on the Lord. However, I felt relief after I've stopped but I felt so left out.)
But it would seems EVERYONE is looking at me differently. In a chinese family gathering at such a situation, the pressure is silently deafening.
On the social aspect what could I do? What should I do? What should i not do?
I prayed. I felt like I've prayed so much in those few days, everytime they have the ritual, I pray. and I thank God that ppl around me was talking about my 'difference'. I prayed that the difference would not be a stumbling block - like an anti-social - religion, not wanting to touch or participate in family matters. I prayed and I thank God that I was able to witness for Him. I told him I needed his help because it was difficult to want to please Him first and at the same time draw my family to Him. I prayed for the Lord to have mercy on my family and to protect them. I prayed for my dad, for the Lord to comfort his grief.
God's peace which surpasses all understanding came. During those days, my relatives start to talk about God. "why do you christians don't ......" " why christians only pray to your god.... " I silently thank the Lord, because such questions are, to me, crucial in the progress to know our true and living God. God has used my 'difference' for his glory. I was rejoicing when I discover that.
I also began to see that many of the 'rituals' are really expressions of love for one another. This things are passed down and over time has become now a (spi)'ritual'. The bowing to each other (chinese men don't hug, but we bow). The need for the ritual in the first place (because the intention is to have our love ones to rest in peace). The gathering of family at such a time and spend a whole week mostly sitting down together (with almost nothing to do, really is time for us to catch up, talk about the family/clan and take time to appreciate our relationships and grieve for my granddad).
"... and the greatest of this is Love"
That was the verse that the Lord imparted upon my heart on the 3rd day. At that moment, a certain burden was lifted off my chest. I had a clearer picture of God's intention for me in that particular place.
On the last day, my mom asked if I would join them in the burial ceremony. I agreed without hesitation because I know this would mean so much to them, especially my Dad. Especially my Dad, who is silently suffering at this time. This time it was my brother whom I have had a big fight with who spoke up, very caringly, " kor, if you cannot, it's okay don't do it." During the funeral where we have to have our palms closed and 'pai', my brother whispered the same words to me again. Imagine that!
".. and the greatest of this is Love" !
Praise God who makes all things possible. He has turned the whole situation around. (From a hushed tensioned situation between me and my family) to a good time with my family that day.
To begin with, Nirvana Memorial Park building is a large building - or a large funeral parlour - with plush interior. Almost everyone, if not all, who walked into the reception thought that they have initially go into the wrong place. The notion that a funeral parlour was like a hotel is still quite puzzling to me. They have many rooms in it, like a five star hotel, to conduct many funeral services. Think of it as a FIVE STAR HOTEL for the dead. And yes, they cater to buddhist, taoist, christian...etc. Yeah, you got the picture. Personally, (at least on surface), Nirvana may be a good company to invest in. I don' t think their business model will ever change or need a change for that matter. The system is set.
My granddad's funeral was conducted in a typical buddhist manner. Monks were doing the ritual everynight until the morning that he is buried. All the sons, daughters, grandson, granddaughters and all their spouses are required to join in.
Spiritually, they were doing something. Obviously with joss-sticks, chants, kneeling and bowing, some spiritual exchange was taking place. Although some may disagree with me, I stick to my case. If not, then why do we need the monks chanting, why the joss-stick...etc Out of respect for my granddad and also to my father and all the rest of my family, I joined in the ritual at first. It was not easy and I felt uncomfortable, because I only want to worship Christ - spiritually. After the first 'session; I stopped joining the ritual. This caused a lot of hushed murmur amongst the family. Later in that night, I also had a big arguement with my brother, whom I have not fought with since our childhood days over toys. The arguement probably lasted 2 days.
(The peace of God has never left me, even when im doing the rituals because I focused on the Lord. However, I felt relief after I've stopped but I felt so left out.)
But it would seems EVERYONE is looking at me differently. In a chinese family gathering at such a situation, the pressure is silently deafening.
On the social aspect what could I do? What should I do? What should i not do?
I prayed. I felt like I've prayed so much in those few days, everytime they have the ritual, I pray. and I thank God that ppl around me was talking about my 'difference'. I prayed that the difference would not be a stumbling block - like an anti-social - religion, not wanting to touch or participate in family matters. I prayed and I thank God that I was able to witness for Him. I told him I needed his help because it was difficult to want to please Him first and at the same time draw my family to Him. I prayed for the Lord to have mercy on my family and to protect them. I prayed for my dad, for the Lord to comfort his grief.
God's peace which surpasses all understanding came. During those days, my relatives start to talk about God. "why do you christians don't ......" " why christians only pray to your god.... " I silently thank the Lord, because such questions are, to me, crucial in the progress to know our true and living God. God has used my 'difference' for his glory. I was rejoicing when I discover that.
I also began to see that many of the 'rituals' are really expressions of love for one another. This things are passed down and over time has become now a (spi)'ritual'. The bowing to each other (chinese men don't hug, but we bow). The need for the ritual in the first place (because the intention is to have our love ones to rest in peace). The gathering of family at such a time and spend a whole week mostly sitting down together (with almost nothing to do, really is time for us to catch up, talk about the family/clan and take time to appreciate our relationships and grieve for my granddad).
"... and the greatest of this is Love"
That was the verse that the Lord imparted upon my heart on the 3rd day. At that moment, a certain burden was lifted off my chest. I had a clearer picture of God's intention for me in that particular place.
On the last day, my mom asked if I would join them in the burial ceremony. I agreed without hesitation because I know this would mean so much to them, especially my Dad. Especially my Dad, who is silently suffering at this time. This time it was my brother whom I have had a big fight with who spoke up, very caringly, " kor, if you cannot, it's okay don't do it." During the funeral where we have to have our palms closed and 'pai', my brother whispered the same words to me again. Imagine that!
".. and the greatest of this is Love" !
Praise God who makes all things possible. He has turned the whole situation around. (From a hushed tensioned situation between me and my family) to a good time with my family that day.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
A sad day for my family
It was at about 7am, our baggages were checked in when my brother got the call from his friend, who just happen to by at my house collecting some stuff he left over.
5 minutes later, still stunned at the air port, our entire family cancelled our flight to hong kong, the family holiday that we have planned earlier, and headed home.
It is confirmed, at 720am, 7 Sept 2004, my granddad at age of 91, has passed on from this world.
The funeral rituals took on the whole week from Tuesday to Friday, taking the traditions of a buddhist burial. I would write more on the funeral rituals later, as they have really taught me a lot more about life itself. On Friday, at about 10am. My granddad was buried at Nirvana Park at Semenyih, Selangor, Malaysia.
My granddad lived a good 91 years. He was a strong man. Quit Smoking at about 75 (or thereabouts) after smoking since in his 20s. So to those who think they can't quit. Yes, you can! He was among the immigrants of Chinese that came from China to Klang Valley during the early turn of the last century. Really, part of society that shape our lives here in KL.
While he was alive, he was really quite hard to please. Mainly due to miscommunication because he was very deaf :) Nowadays, I missed him just sitting here in the living room watching TV. 'Shouting' (because to him, he was probably just talking) about this and that on household chores. At 91, he still water the plants everyday, get the mail... The little things that imprints the biggest impression of him to me for the rest of my life.
So, memory of him lives on. It's amazing, a man, at the appointed time returns to the maker. Death as a concept... as puzzling as life itself.
5 minutes later, still stunned at the air port, our entire family cancelled our flight to hong kong, the family holiday that we have planned earlier, and headed home.
It is confirmed, at 720am, 7 Sept 2004, my granddad at age of 91, has passed on from this world.
The funeral rituals took on the whole week from Tuesday to Friday, taking the traditions of a buddhist burial. I would write more on the funeral rituals later, as they have really taught me a lot more about life itself. On Friday, at about 10am. My granddad was buried at Nirvana Park at Semenyih, Selangor, Malaysia.
My granddad lived a good 91 years. He was a strong man. Quit Smoking at about 75 (or thereabouts) after smoking since in his 20s. So to those who think they can't quit. Yes, you can! He was among the immigrants of Chinese that came from China to Klang Valley during the early turn of the last century. Really, part of society that shape our lives here in KL.
While he was alive, he was really quite hard to please. Mainly due to miscommunication because he was very deaf :) Nowadays, I missed him just sitting here in the living room watching TV. 'Shouting' (because to him, he was probably just talking) about this and that on household chores. At 91, he still water the plants everyday, get the mail... The little things that imprints the biggest impression of him to me for the rest of my life.
So, memory of him lives on. It's amazing, a man, at the appointed time returns to the maker. Death as a concept... as puzzling as life itself.
Monday, September 06, 2004
im off for a break!
yay! im off to a family trip for the next couple of days. My family and I are heading to Hong Kong for a super overdued family holiday.
I'm really looking forward to it, esp spending a solid few days with my brother before he heads to UK to further his studies.
Somehow, it feels as if this is the only time I get to spend with him for a long time to come.
I'm really looking forward to it, esp spending a solid few days with my brother before he heads to UK to further his studies.
Somehow, it feels as if this is the only time I get to spend with him for a long time to come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)